GospelGal's Blog

Well, I can actually write something again.  For a while now, I haven't been able to post anything here.  I'm getting over bronchitis.  I dread being sick as it takes me weeks to recover. I have my son to thanks for bringing home his bronchitis, yet he's still sick.  Good Lord, he needs a stronger antibiotic.  I'm in no mood and have no energy to get him back to the clinic to be seen again.  He has to learn that part of adulthood is doing things on his own.  He can't stay tied to me all the time.  He needs to ask others in this house for help to.  I'm sure his uncle would help him, if only he'd ask.  

Well, my new home, is just home.  I'm a recluse in my own little room.  I've totally lost most of my independence.  I'm now dependent on my mom and son for help thanks in large part to my ailing health.  I've been battling with my feelings and emotions since I moved into this new home.  It was supposed to be "our" new home that has turned into my mothers new home.  I knew that one was coming-she had all the money.  I had all the debt.  Well, when I'm done with college, and can one day teach, maybe God will smile on me and I'll find myself in a teaching position.  I don't think I can stand to live with my mom until I die.  I don't wish to be an old maid yet.  But I may have to wait and see which direction the Lord will take me.

I'm ever so grateful that my middle bro moved out.  He was the source of so much of my stress for 3 months.  What I find so ironic-I left the Bay Area-Silicon Valley over 20 years ago to get away from my family-ALL OF THEM-now they all live here in this house if not this city.  Mike is planning on buying a house that no more than 7-8 miles from us.  That's like right in my back yard.  I don't want him here.  I want him to go back home like in the bay area where he belongs.  He doesn't belong here where he can make my life miserable.  He's so confrontational, never wrong, always a perfectionist and he has to be near our mom.  I don't know.  I have to get myself well.  so long for now.

Posted on Apr 10, 2009

I'll be moving soon.  I don't want to.  I don't want to lose my independence, my freedom, my sanity.  I know that living with my brother will be so intense, and so emotional.  My mom will be caught in the middle not knowing what to do, and will more than likely cater to him.  I may be related to him by blood and share the same last name, but I have no real feelings for him.  I don't know why I allow myself to get so emotional around him or why I allow myself to get so confrontational with him.  he brings out everything that's bad in me and about me.  I hate the fact that he feels the need to judge me so harshly and my son.  My son is now grown, but he's still my son.  He's mentally retarded and I still feel the need to protect him sometimes.  People like my brother don't care who they hurt in the wake of their anger, whenever they're tired, grumpy or just plain old tired and don't give a s***.  I'm worried that I'm headed into a war zone.  I'm angry at my mom.  She tried to think of my needs but in the end it wasn't enough.  Disabled people don't have a choice of when or how they choose to be disabled.  It happens the way it happens.  I know that my brother will expect me to do more for myself and count less on my mom.  How is that supposed to happen when i don't have full use of my legs? I don't know if I can put up with his consistent criticism of me and my son or how I'll cope when he starts in on me and my weight? All I feel from him is rejection and put down.  I can't say that I feel any real love for him.  We're so distant from each other emotionally yet he has to attack me.  He has to find a way to attack me.  He could careless whether he makes me cry or not.  I'm really wishing I could still stay in my own place.  I was happy here.  This was my home for 13 yrs. But I can't take of myself now, and I needed help. My mom moved in with me 3 yrs ago. Now she bought herself a home and will be moving into her new home within the next few weeks.  I can't afford to live here without my section 8 voucher which I don't have anymore.  I'm in a real pickle.  I don't think I can stand to hear the consistent bickering, yelling, shouting, cussing etc. that will goes on between my brother and son or with me if he tries to have the last word in everything.  My brother has to be perfect.  he can never be wrong.  He has a mouth, and his mouth tells things as he thinks they are regardless of other peoples opinions.  Oh, he only apologizes to our mother.  No one else is good enough for that.  He doesn't feel that he's wrong everybody else just is to lazy or dumb.  He thinks I'm lazy, he thinks my son is lazy.  He doesn't acknowledge that my son is mentally retarded (mildly), so he's much slower than most 20 yr olds and he's got his own problems to deal with that aren't going to be changed over night. My brother wants to come in like a gang buster and change things.  he wants to change everything and everyone but himself.  He hasn't learned that he can't change anyone or anything but himself.  This is why we butt heads so much.  I can't stand his put downs of me and trying to lower my self-esteem which has taken me years to build up from a failed marriage and physically and emotionally abusive husband (ex).  I refuse to be mistreated just for his lack  of empathy. But I can't stand by and watch either as he abuses my son who reacts first, and thinks later.  he feels threatened first, reacts then, when I get him calmed down, he'll listen to me but not to his uncles who are trying  more like forcing to "make a man out of him".   I wish I could cut that part of my life off.  I moved away from all of them over 20 years ago just to have some sanity.  I didn't want to have anything to do with my family except my mom and dad on a limited bases.  That was good for me.  I grew up, eventually had a baby, and saw them only once a month.  I had no contact with my brothers after my dad passed away 17 yrs ago.  I figured if they didn't want to stay in touch with me, then I wasn't going to waste my time, energy and effort to extend anything to them either.   I don't feel that I did any thing wrong.  I did that for my sanity and to keep from emotionally exploding.  Now, what I ran away from has come out to me once again.  I don't want this test.  I keep thinking of ways to run away from it.  I'd rather drive to the ocean and drive over a cliff.  I can think of ways in my mind to take my own life if I have to life there with them with any length of time.  I'm not prepared to respond to Michael.  In trying to get settled into a new home, I have homework to finish from college to do, find things in boxes that I need, etc. and then, there's going to be my stuff and Michael's stuff crammed into the garage.  How is this going to work?  I can't walk but a few steps, I'm pissed that my wheelchair won't fit all the way into the bathroom, and I'll probable scratch the walls all the way down the hallway if I use my wheelchair to get back and forth from my room to the rest of the house.  I'm just totally full of anxiety over this.  It's been on my mind for so long.  I pray about it.  in the end, I'm still hating the fact that I have to move at all.  I'm hating the fact that Michael has to move in with us at all.  I hate that my life is being uprooted and changed in ways that I don't like, want nor approve of let alone goes against everything I considered good, now seems wholly bad. God help me because I'm gonna need it big time, if I'm gonna keep my sanity, emotional stability, and keep from jumping off the deep end. Posted on Oct 25, 2008

"If you're gonna pray, dont worry. If you're gonna worry, don't pray." Br. Blackburn, Sacramento, CA "Mean what you say, say what you mean.", "Any fish can swim down stream, but a real (christian) man will swim up stream against the current." Br. L. Frayer (deceased) "God doesn't need a plan B" Br. J. Wright Bumper stickers: 2B1ASK1, Serving Christ is not a "Trivial Pursuit" Before you go to sleep, you might as well give all your worries to Christ, He'll be up all night anyway-plaque Posted on Jul 28, 2008